Just when I think things are looking up.

When you look into my eyes and smile, I know you. When you lay with me, holding my hands and telling me that you love me, I know you. When you surprise me with gifts and flowers, I know you.
When I hear the words you tell others, I don't know you. When people tell me things about you, I don't know you. When I see the way you act when you think I'm not looking, I don't know you.
I don't know you, not even a little. Not even at all.

I'm beginning to wonder if I want to know you. If knowing you is worth the price I'm having to pay. You've given me so much happiness. But lately, you've been taking it away (and even more than was rightfully yours). Sure, it's only been a week of unhappiness in these past seven months, but I'm thinking what I'm feeling might not just be sadness due to your actions, but sadness due to a realization.

I don't know how much longer we're going to be doing this.
I don't know if it's going to last.

And this time, you wouldn't be the one ending it.

I just don't think I'm ready to let go yet.

people aren't the way you think they are

What should I say to you? There are so many thoughts in my head that it’s getting hard to get them straight.

It was so hard for me to take you back, to place trust in you - when you had already broken it a thousand times, and to believe you when you actually said things would be different. But I did it, because through it all I wanted to believe you - what you said to me sounded different, you hadn’t spoken the promises as sincerely before.... and I put my trust in you.
But not fully. I hoped you’d be able to understand that I couldn’t do that. I’d done it so many times and always been let down... I just haven’t been ready to completely let go of the fear that you’d lie to me again.

And then you did. I wasn’t mad, not at all. I was just disappointed. But it was a disappointment I could deal with. I can handle a boyfriend who drinks, that’s not the problem. The problem is you told me to believe you a million times. You’d get upset when I didn’t. Because things were different right? Turns out there was nothing for you to get upset about.

I was right anyways.

Over the summer you made some deciscions I had heard about, but I pushed them aside. You and Abby shared a bed. She sat on your lap, I heard rumors about you two making out and having sex. You told me none of that happened.... and as hard as it was for me, I did believe you.

If there was one thing I wanted, it was for you to be honest with me. And when you told me you weren’t going to be around her, I believed you, I really did. But you’ve been with her every day over Spring Break... and almost every day you’ve been drinking. Two things I thought wouldn’t happen--- or at least two things you told me wouldn’t.

I’ve been sitting in my bed crying all day, wondering how I could have been so stupid. How did I let myself believe you, and fall in love with you all over again? I’ve been contemplating how you really feel.

You tell me that you think about me before everything you do, and the effect your choices will have on me. How am I supposed to think you’re telling the truth there? Were you thinking about me last night when you went to Abby’s cottage? Or at Chris K’s house when you got drunk with her then too?

Things were so different. They were amazing, Chris, I had never been so happy.... and I thought you felt the same way. I thought you loved me, but now I can’t tell, I want to think you do, I really want you to love me.. but if you loved me, why would you be lying to me?

I’ve been telling myself that you probably just wanted to buy me all of those presents because you knew this would happen, and you wanted to "buy me off" so it would be okay. You probably just tell me you love me and that I’m cute all of the time to make me think it’s true. You probably hide more from me than you’ll let on. But maybe I’m wrong.

As happy as I was, it only took a second for my emotions to change. I feel insecure, unloved, betrayed, and stupid. I feel heartbroken.

But I’m afraid to say this to you. I’m just afraid that you’ll get mad. Especially because I’m not good with words around you.

I just want to know how you feel, and I want you to be honest when you tell me.

Just please tell me the truth.

There's nothing here that you'll miss.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way--months. It was silly for me to believe life would continue to be good.
Believing is just silly, and things aren’t worth believing in anymore.
I just want to know the truth. About everything, and be able to smile, and know. But I can’t know anything if the truth isn’t there... and a smile’s the furthest thing from my lips.
Certainty has a way of evading me... but sadness and insecurity are always there to fill its void.

I feel different, but you can’t even tell. I want you to notice.
Notice me.
That’s all I want.
Tell me that I’m different, and understand why.
I just want you to help me understand myself.
You could help me make things better, if only you’d notice.

But even if you notice, I know you won’t understand.
And you won’t want to hear the things I have to say.
You’ve never wanted to hear these words.

Why does it always feel like happiness can only come at a cost?