people aren't the way you think they are

What should I say to you? There are so many thoughts in my head that it’s getting hard to get them straight.

It was so hard for me to take you back, to place trust in you - when you had already broken it a thousand times, and to believe you when you actually said things would be different. But I did it, because through it all I wanted to believe you - what you said to me sounded different, you hadn’t spoken the promises as sincerely before.... and I put my trust in you.
But not fully. I hoped you’d be able to understand that I couldn’t do that. I’d done it so many times and always been let down... I just haven’t been ready to completely let go of the fear that you’d lie to me again.

And then you did. I wasn’t mad, not at all. I was just disappointed. But it was a disappointment I could deal with. I can handle a boyfriend who drinks, that’s not the problem. The problem is you told me to believe you a million times. You’d get upset when I didn’t. Because things were different right? Turns out there was nothing for you to get upset about.

I was right anyways.

Over the summer you made some deciscions I had heard about, but I pushed them aside. You and Abby shared a bed. She sat on your lap, I heard rumors about you two making out and having sex. You told me none of that happened.... and as hard as it was for me, I did believe you.

If there was one thing I wanted, it was for you to be honest with me. And when you told me you weren’t going to be around her, I believed you, I really did. But you’ve been with her every day over Spring Break... and almost every day you’ve been drinking. Two things I thought wouldn’t happen--- or at least two things you told me wouldn’t.

I’ve been sitting in my bed crying all day, wondering how I could have been so stupid. How did I let myself believe you, and fall in love with you all over again? I’ve been contemplating how you really feel.

You tell me that you think about me before everything you do, and the effect your choices will have on me. How am I supposed to think you’re telling the truth there? Were you thinking about me last night when you went to Abby’s cottage? Or at Chris K’s house when you got drunk with her then too?

Things were so different. They were amazing, Chris, I had never been so happy.... and I thought you felt the same way. I thought you loved me, but now I can’t tell, I want to think you do, I really want you to love me.. but if you loved me, why would you be lying to me?

I’ve been telling myself that you probably just wanted to buy me all of those presents because you knew this would happen, and you wanted to "buy me off" so it would be okay. You probably just tell me you love me and that I’m cute all of the time to make me think it’s true. You probably hide more from me than you’ll let on. But maybe I’m wrong.

As happy as I was, it only took a second for my emotions to change. I feel insecure, unloved, betrayed, and stupid. I feel heartbroken.

But I’m afraid to say this to you. I’m just afraid that you’ll get mad. Especially because I’m not good with words around you.

I just want to know how you feel, and I want you to be honest when you tell me.

Just please tell me the truth.