I caught a glimpse, but it's been forgotten.

When I'd envisioned the end of my senior year, I always thought I'd have mixed emotions. I thought I'd be happy, but that there would be a glint of sadness caught in my mind. I didn't see it this way.

Stress has caught us both, and neither of us perform well under it. But how come being stressed is okay for you? You snap at me, and I let it slide. Because you're stressed, and because I love you. You've been that way for a month... and while it's been getting old, I've known it would pass.

If I'm stressed and snap, it's like I'm the enemy. I am a stranger you've never met, and don't want to get to know. You don't want me in your life, and you aren't afraid to show it. So I quickly adjust, but then the stress just builds up. It's bad in the long run.

You get angry with me, and your anger doesn't cease... you try to ignore me, no matter how much I try to make it better. And then it just ends with you forgetting about it and throwing a smile on, after at least a day or so. But the signals you send are always mixed. You're clearly angry, but you swear you're not. So I drop it, and talk to you. But you don't want anything to do with me.

I can't remember the last time I was mad at you, but I know there have been opportunites for me to become so. I've just let them pass, because even when I try to state that you've done something wrong, it turns into my fault. You, on the other hand, like to inform me of all of my flaws. Sometimes I wonder if my imperfections make you feel better about yourself.

The pedestal you set yourself on, well.. I always thought it was tall. But now I see that it's been crumbling all along. Your foundations are there... but when you don't take care of them, you fall apart completely, and I don't want to be the one to catch you.

You're not who I thought you were, or who you led me to believe you could be. And me, I know I've let you down, because you tell me that I have. How much longer can this last? I can't take this lack of communication. I can't take always being the bad guy. I can't take always feeling like I've let you down, like I'm the one in the wrong. I can't keep apologizing. I can't be made to feel this way. I want to feel loved.. but I don't know how to tell you that. When I try to say things, you tell me that I'm wrong anyways, and that I just have to look at my faults to see where the issue really is. You say that my words are always cutting you down, but do you realize how you're making me feel when you do this?

You pretend that you always think of everyone else. But lately I see that you're selfish.

As long as you're happy, everyone else should be. And if you're not, well... let me have it.

I'm not coming to you this time. You are in the wrong, and I want you to realize that. I want you to know how much you've hurt me, even though you promised you never would. I want to trade you positions, so you can understand how it feels when you do this to me.

I wrote you a letter about how much I love and admire you. There was no thank you, or comment on how much it meant to you.. only a question as to why I wrote it. And if that's all you can say after it, I wonder how much this all really means to you.

So go ahead - think I'm wrong and that I'll come running back to apologize. But be careful, because I'm not making a step towards you. Apologies are far from my mind, and it's you that's going to need to say all of the right words. YOU are the one being judged, and you are the one awaiting your trial.

You

I don't know why I treat you the way that I do. In truth, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and not just because I love you... because of everything you've done for me. You've taught me so much about myself, and life in general. Your positive outlook on life is amazing, and I admire you so much for it. Even when you're unhappy, you throw on a smile - just for me. You rarely speak of your own problems, but are always there to listen to mine. And when you look at me, I feel like everything's going to be okay. Because you make me feel that way. You're the best person I know, and I'm not just saying that. These are things I've always known about you though... you've always been someone I look up to, and I suppose you always will be. You're strong, and you don't let anything get you down for long. And even when you're down, you're still amazing. You set goals, and you reach them. You follow through with your words, and you say what you mean. You're not afraid to be yourself, and everyone I know loves you. And why wouldn't they?
Me, well, I'm quite the opposite. I'm not optimistic, I'm far from it. And the smallest thing can ruin my day. My problems are always the topic of conversation, and I refuse to smile when I'm upset -- because I want the world to know and care about my problems. I'm not a strong person, I set goals but I rarely ever reach them. I say things I don't mean, and don't know how to say what I do. Sometimes it's hard for me to be myself around people, and it's not uncommon for me to give up on myself.
And then there's you, you always put up with me. You even love me. I am the luckiest girl in the world, by far. But sometimes I don't even realize it. I place too much importance on the small things to look at the big picture, and that's something you've helped me learn.
Having you in my life as a best friend alone has been one of the most positive things that could have happened to me. I am so grateful for everything you've done.. and everything you do for me. I don't tell you that enough. I don't tell you that I love you, for everything about you.
I love what you teach me, and that I learn something new about you every day. I love that when I look at you I automatically calm down, and am filled with happiness. I love the way you always make me laugh, and know the right thing to say. I love the cute things you say to me, and I even have my favorites saved on my phone. I love that you're always kind to me, and to everyone around you. I love that you're completely honest. I love that when you smile just a little bit, only one side of your mouth curls up. I love the way your eyes always show your emotions, and how every once in a while you'll put your glasses on for me. I love that you like to surprise me, even though I'm bad with surprises. I love the sound of your voice, and the logic you put behind your words. I love it when you wrap your arms around me, and when you kiss me. I love being around you. I love being able to call you my boyfriend. I love it when you tell me I'm beautiful, with that silly smile on your face.
I love the fact that you believe in me.

I love you, and I don't know how I managed to get you... but I'm the luckiest girl in the world, and I just wanted you to know that.

Just when I think things are looking up.

When you look into my eyes and smile, I know you. When you lay with me, holding my hands and telling me that you love me, I know you. When you surprise me with gifts and flowers, I know you.
When I hear the words you tell others, I don't know you. When people tell me things about you, I don't know you. When I see the way you act when you think I'm not looking, I don't know you.
I don't know you, not even a little. Not even at all.

I'm beginning to wonder if I want to know you. If knowing you is worth the price I'm having to pay. You've given me so much happiness. But lately, you've been taking it away (and even more than was rightfully yours). Sure, it's only been a week of unhappiness in these past seven months, but I'm thinking what I'm feeling might not just be sadness due to your actions, but sadness due to a realization.

I don't know how much longer we're going to be doing this.
I don't know if it's going to last.

And this time, you wouldn't be the one ending it.

I just don't think I'm ready to let go yet.

people aren't the way you think they are

What should I say to you? There are so many thoughts in my head that it’s getting hard to get them straight.

It was so hard for me to take you back, to place trust in you - when you had already broken it a thousand times, and to believe you when you actually said things would be different. But I did it, because through it all I wanted to believe you - what you said to me sounded different, you hadn’t spoken the promises as sincerely before.... and I put my trust in you.
But not fully. I hoped you’d be able to understand that I couldn’t do that. I’d done it so many times and always been let down... I just haven’t been ready to completely let go of the fear that you’d lie to me again.

And then you did. I wasn’t mad, not at all. I was just disappointed. But it was a disappointment I could deal with. I can handle a boyfriend who drinks, that’s not the problem. The problem is you told me to believe you a million times. You’d get upset when I didn’t. Because things were different right? Turns out there was nothing for you to get upset about.

I was right anyways.

Over the summer you made some deciscions I had heard about, but I pushed them aside. You and Abby shared a bed. She sat on your lap, I heard rumors about you two making out and having sex. You told me none of that happened.... and as hard as it was for me, I did believe you.

If there was one thing I wanted, it was for you to be honest with me. And when you told me you weren’t going to be around her, I believed you, I really did. But you’ve been with her every day over Spring Break... and almost every day you’ve been drinking. Two things I thought wouldn’t happen--- or at least two things you told me wouldn’t.

I’ve been sitting in my bed crying all day, wondering how I could have been so stupid. How did I let myself believe you, and fall in love with you all over again? I’ve been contemplating how you really feel.

You tell me that you think about me before everything you do, and the effect your choices will have on me. How am I supposed to think you’re telling the truth there? Were you thinking about me last night when you went to Abby’s cottage? Or at Chris K’s house when you got drunk with her then too?

Things were so different. They were amazing, Chris, I had never been so happy.... and I thought you felt the same way. I thought you loved me, but now I can’t tell, I want to think you do, I really want you to love me.. but if you loved me, why would you be lying to me?

I’ve been telling myself that you probably just wanted to buy me all of those presents because you knew this would happen, and you wanted to "buy me off" so it would be okay. You probably just tell me you love me and that I’m cute all of the time to make me think it’s true. You probably hide more from me than you’ll let on. But maybe I’m wrong.

As happy as I was, it only took a second for my emotions to change. I feel insecure, unloved, betrayed, and stupid. I feel heartbroken.

But I’m afraid to say this to you. I’m just afraid that you’ll get mad. Especially because I’m not good with words around you.

I just want to know how you feel, and I want you to be honest when you tell me.

Just please tell me the truth.

There's nothing here that you'll miss.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way--months. It was silly for me to believe life would continue to be good.
Believing is just silly, and things aren’t worth believing in anymore.
I just want to know the truth. About everything, and be able to smile, and know. But I can’t know anything if the truth isn’t there... and a smile’s the furthest thing from my lips.
Certainty has a way of evading me... but sadness and insecurity are always there to fill its void.

I feel different, but you can’t even tell. I want you to notice.
Notice me.
That’s all I want.
Tell me that I’m different, and understand why.
I just want you to help me understand myself.
You could help me make things better, if only you’d notice.

But even if you notice, I know you won’t understand.
And you won’t want to hear the things I have to say.
You’ve never wanted to hear these words.

Why does it always feel like happiness can only come at a cost?